It seems so strange to me to constantly flip my thoughts from the future to the past, but it almost seems the only way I can function. I constantly think of my girlfriend, who has become a large portion of my life over summer after we met in the spring, but I also think of where I have come from and then again to where that will take me. There are at times when I think to myself, "The more you think of the future, the more things will end up being ruined in your present life, instead think of the roads you have traveled, these will surely help today." I'm not exactly sure if this is true to what I should focus on.
Clearly we need to think of the future to keep goals and activities so we can focus and be productive, but where do we draw the line between past and future based thoughts? I am sure that there are some people out there who would dwell on this matter for some time and try to decipher a numerical amount to go along with each, but I feel that it is more a matter of feeling.
Many of my thoughts on the past make me think of how I wish I were born in a different time, a simpler time when people actually noticed and cared about those around them. I focus on other thoughts of the past, like how amazing it would have been to grow up in the hay-day of the automobile. A time when cars could be bought for a few hundred dollars, have the snot beat out of them and then keep on ticking. I never really knew my grandfathers, but I wish I could have to learn and listen to the stories of their childhoods and youth. I am lucky enough though, to be close with my grandpa's little brother. I absolutely love going to his house and sitting outside and just listening to him tell stories of what he calls the days when he was "young, dumb, and single." Just listening to his stories, both new and repeats, is something that I wish I would have been able to share with my own grandpas.
Frequently while listening to these stories, I will begin to think of the future and how I can somehow achieve what he has done. Of course what I am able to do now is nowhere nearly as unrestrained as what he did in the past, but I feel that if I can experience it, it will make me a better person. I always trail off to two thoughts of the future though: a single life and a married life. I think of all the things that I could do if I don't settle down and start a family, but then I think of all the things that I could if I do settle down. Currently more and more of my thoughts are centered around the future of settling down and starting a family with my current girlfriend.
I am sure that as time continues on, that these thoughts will become more refined and eventually one thought will defeat the other and new thoughts will emerge and begin the battle in my mind. I await the time when my thoughts of the future come to reality. I know that I will continue to think of the future, but I do know that thoughts of the past will always flood my mind as I am so intrigued by what has happened.
I think you have reached the point that many do. You can't go back to a different time, and so often it is simply overwhelming to try to turn the tide of what is so wrong. What finally saved my sanity(such as it was)was that I decided to try to live my life with grace and dignity and try not to worry about everyone else. I often fall short, but it has given my life direction. You will find a course for you.Trust me.
ReplyDeleteMy newest son-in-law got his degree in mechical engineering and found a job with a company that makes parts for Honda, so hang in there.