I wish that there were a way for me to reconcile the things that I have done in the past. A way to make right the wrong things that I've done and make better decisions than the ones my incomptetent self made in the past.
I dreamt of her last night. I wish there was a way for me to go back and make things right between us. It is not fair for her to be taken in such a horrible way.
I know it is not fair, but I always end up blaming myself for what happened. I know that I did not have a direct impact on what happened to her that day. But it seems that if I had done things correctly in the past and not treated her so poorly and showed her the love that I truely feel for her, that she would still be here today.
Everyday a thought of her races through my head. Songs now have a memory or an idea of her that makes me wish she were still here.
I will never forget you and I hope that you will forgive me for the many mistakes that I made.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Friday, November 4, 2011
November 5, 2011
I never thought that the last time I said goodbye to you would have continued to linger so far in the past. There was a time when I thought we were going to last forever, and now that you are gone, I truly wish it were that way. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you in some form or another, from the way you used to act, to what you would be like today. I can remember those days before our end when I acted like a complete fool, throwing away what was right in front me because I took you for granted. You were an amazing person and you truly impacted my life. Ever since the last day we talked, which I can't even begin to figure when it was, I have been devoting my life to doing things for you, hoping to make an impact on you and show you my worth.
I keep trying to think of additional ways that my life can become a devotion to you and the life you lived, but everything that I come up with, just doesn't seem like it would be enough.
There are five people who make me break down and the thought of them all watching me in some form and waiting for me to do good wears so heavily on my thoughts. I never feel like I do a good enough job to make them all proud.
I love you all Edna Green, Rose Ann Derck, Clair Green, Gerald Derck, and Mickae Lee Schlatter.
I keep trying to think of additional ways that my life can become a devotion to you and the life you lived, but everything that I come up with, just doesn't seem like it would be enough.
There are five people who make me break down and the thought of them all watching me in some form and waiting for me to do good wears so heavily on my thoughts. I never feel like I do a good enough job to make them all proud.
I love you all Edna Green, Rose Ann Derck, Clair Green, Gerald Derck, and Mickae Lee Schlatter.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
It seems so strange to me to constantly flip my thoughts from the future to the past, but it almost seems the only way I can function. I constantly think of my girlfriend, who has become a large portion of my life over summer after we met in the spring, but I also think of where I have come from and then again to where that will take me. There are at times when I think to myself, "The more you think of the future, the more things will end up being ruined in your present life, instead think of the roads you have traveled, these will surely help today." I'm not exactly sure if this is true to what I should focus on.
Clearly we need to think of the future to keep goals and activities so we can focus and be productive, but where do we draw the line between past and future based thoughts? I am sure that there are some people out there who would dwell on this matter for some time and try to decipher a numerical amount to go along with each, but I feel that it is more a matter of feeling.
Many of my thoughts on the past make me think of how I wish I were born in a different time, a simpler time when people actually noticed and cared about those around them. I focus on other thoughts of the past, like how amazing it would have been to grow up in the hay-day of the automobile. A time when cars could be bought for a few hundred dollars, have the snot beat out of them and then keep on ticking. I never really knew my grandfathers, but I wish I could have to learn and listen to the stories of their childhoods and youth. I am lucky enough though, to be close with my grandpa's little brother. I absolutely love going to his house and sitting outside and just listening to him tell stories of what he calls the days when he was "young, dumb, and single." Just listening to his stories, both new and repeats, is something that I wish I would have been able to share with my own grandpas.
Frequently while listening to these stories, I will begin to think of the future and how I can somehow achieve what he has done. Of course what I am able to do now is nowhere nearly as unrestrained as what he did in the past, but I feel that if I can experience it, it will make me a better person. I always trail off to two thoughts of the future though: a single life and a married life. I think of all the things that I could do if I don't settle down and start a family, but then I think of all the things that I could if I do settle down. Currently more and more of my thoughts are centered around the future of settling down and starting a family with my current girlfriend.
I am sure that as time continues on, that these thoughts will become more refined and eventually one thought will defeat the other and new thoughts will emerge and begin the battle in my mind. I await the time when my thoughts of the future come to reality. I know that I will continue to think of the future, but I do know that thoughts of the past will always flood my mind as I am so intrigued by what has happened.
Clearly we need to think of the future to keep goals and activities so we can focus and be productive, but where do we draw the line between past and future based thoughts? I am sure that there are some people out there who would dwell on this matter for some time and try to decipher a numerical amount to go along with each, but I feel that it is more a matter of feeling.
Many of my thoughts on the past make me think of how I wish I were born in a different time, a simpler time when people actually noticed and cared about those around them. I focus on other thoughts of the past, like how amazing it would have been to grow up in the hay-day of the automobile. A time when cars could be bought for a few hundred dollars, have the snot beat out of them and then keep on ticking. I never really knew my grandfathers, but I wish I could have to learn and listen to the stories of their childhoods and youth. I am lucky enough though, to be close with my grandpa's little brother. I absolutely love going to his house and sitting outside and just listening to him tell stories of what he calls the days when he was "young, dumb, and single." Just listening to his stories, both new and repeats, is something that I wish I would have been able to share with my own grandpas.
Frequently while listening to these stories, I will begin to think of the future and how I can somehow achieve what he has done. Of course what I am able to do now is nowhere nearly as unrestrained as what he did in the past, but I feel that if I can experience it, it will make me a better person. I always trail off to two thoughts of the future though: a single life and a married life. I think of all the things that I could do if I don't settle down and start a family, but then I think of all the things that I could if I do settle down. Currently more and more of my thoughts are centered around the future of settling down and starting a family with my current girlfriend.
I am sure that as time continues on, that these thoughts will become more refined and eventually one thought will defeat the other and new thoughts will emerge and begin the battle in my mind. I await the time when my thoughts of the future come to reality. I know that I will continue to think of the future, but I do know that thoughts of the past will always flood my mind as I am so intrigued by what has happened.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, Septemper 22, 2010
Well, this is my first blog post I have ever written, and I'm not quite sure how exactly this is gonna go. I guess that I will just start out writing about different things about me and what I'm into. I am a 22 year old college student at the University of Toledo. I am studying for a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering Technology and hope that after college I will be able to find a position either in the automotive engineering/design field or somehow manage to create my own automotive/tuning shop.
I have a real love for bare-bones racing where raw talent, proper car setup, and almost luck of the draw are what define a winning career. I really enjoy watching Formula 1, American le Mans Series, Formula GT1, and the British Touring Car Championship. All of which really spur my love for auto-racing and true automotive performance. I hope that in the next couple years after college that I will be able to build a spec Mazda Miata and begin my racing career.
I know that some people may think, "Why set goals that may never be reached, why not just settle for a good paying job so that you can live the 'good life'?", but I have never really been one to enjoy going along with the crowd. I can not stand when people look for the easiest way out of something, even tho it means more work. And frankly, if the jobs I am offered don't offer me any rewards, I more than likely will not take them.
Over the summer of 2009, I was unable to hold a summer job at BF Goodrich due to the economy, when the company laid off 30 full time employees which meant that summer help had to go first. But on the up side of this bad news, was the fact that I was able to work with my uncles who farm. I basically started showing up and helping, since when I was younger, my brothers and I would just show up and go for rides, and more than likely just get in the way; but I figured since I now could help out that I would, I never asked for money or any compensation, I just wanted to work and learn. I never thought that I would really find a love in anything out on the farm, but I really did.
I fell in love with working with my hands and actually seeing something being accomplished before my eyes. It was so rewarding to begin the day working on a something that appeared to be a big job at first, but then tearing into it and at the end of the day it was up and running and heading back to the field to continue working. I know that I never really did anything major like rebuild a blown up motor, or tear down a major piece of machinery, at least not on my own, but I helped with projects and it still was so rewarding.
Another thing I fell in love with is actually physically chopping down a tree. Now I don't mean I went and dug out the chainsaw, oiled it up and went to town on a tree; I mean I grabbed an axe, sharpened it up and went to town on a tree. And if it was just trimming a tree I would devise the best way possible to trim it up and grab the pole saw and get cutting. I have had so many people just stand there in awe by the fact that I would rather actually do physical labor and tire myself out rather than take the easy way out just to finish not out of breath and much quicker.
I am not really sure how well this is all going to read or how it will work out, but I hope to acquire some sort of schedule and possibly different topics to discuss in my future posts, but until then, that's all I have for now.
I have a real love for bare-bones racing where raw talent, proper car setup, and almost luck of the draw are what define a winning career. I really enjoy watching Formula 1, American le Mans Series, Formula GT1, and the British Touring Car Championship. All of which really spur my love for auto-racing and true automotive performance. I hope that in the next couple years after college that I will be able to build a spec Mazda Miata and begin my racing career.
I know that some people may think, "Why set goals that may never be reached, why not just settle for a good paying job so that you can live the 'good life'?", but I have never really been one to enjoy going along with the crowd. I can not stand when people look for the easiest way out of something, even tho it means more work. And frankly, if the jobs I am offered don't offer me any rewards, I more than likely will not take them.
Over the summer of 2009, I was unable to hold a summer job at BF Goodrich due to the economy, when the company laid off 30 full time employees which meant that summer help had to go first. But on the up side of this bad news, was the fact that I was able to work with my uncles who farm. I basically started showing up and helping, since when I was younger, my brothers and I would just show up and go for rides, and more than likely just get in the way; but I figured since I now could help out that I would, I never asked for money or any compensation, I just wanted to work and learn. I never thought that I would really find a love in anything out on the farm, but I really did.
I fell in love with working with my hands and actually seeing something being accomplished before my eyes. It was so rewarding to begin the day working on a something that appeared to be a big job at first, but then tearing into it and at the end of the day it was up and running and heading back to the field to continue working. I know that I never really did anything major like rebuild a blown up motor, or tear down a major piece of machinery, at least not on my own, but I helped with projects and it still was so rewarding.
Another thing I fell in love with is actually physically chopping down a tree. Now I don't mean I went and dug out the chainsaw, oiled it up and went to town on a tree; I mean I grabbed an axe, sharpened it up and went to town on a tree. And if it was just trimming a tree I would devise the best way possible to trim it up and grab the pole saw and get cutting. I have had so many people just stand there in awe by the fact that I would rather actually do physical labor and tire myself out rather than take the easy way out just to finish not out of breath and much quicker.
I am not really sure how well this is all going to read or how it will work out, but I hope to acquire some sort of schedule and possibly different topics to discuss in my future posts, but until then, that's all I have for now.
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